


Stories Left Behind

by phoenixprentiss



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 18:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5881810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixprentiss/pseuds/phoenixprentiss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JJ is lonely and can't deal with her feelings. So she goes to Emily.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stories Left Behind

JJ stared through the dull darkness at the ceiling.

This happened entirely too often.

She’d settle down before bedtime, drink a cup of hot tea, and possibly read a book, trying anything to relax her mind. She’d get into bed, ready to drift off to sleep and relax under the heavy blankets next to her husband. But once her eyes closed and all she saw was black, she was instantly taken back to that cold night in February. With Askari’s angry voice whispering to her in the back of her mind, in that heavy accent she’d grown to despise. With Hasting’s rough hands running down her body. It was impossible to calm down or rest. She found herself constantly on-edge; hyperaware.

This night was just like any of the countless others, the haunting images behind her eyelids making her too afraid to close her eyes.

She ached for the company of someone, someone who wasn’t Will, who wouldn’t understand. She could only get so much out of talking to him, as he seemed to think she was fine.

Tonight was especially tough because her bed was empty. Will had taken advantage of his vacation days to visit family back in Louisiana, and JJ hadn’t been able to get the time off to come with him.

Morgan was probably out clubbing, or at home with Savannah, and Penelope was most likely already asleep. She didn’t want to bother Rossi or Reid, and she felt it would be awkward to show up at Hotch’s.

That left Emily.

Incidentally, JJ found that Emily was the only person she really wanted to talk to.

JJ sighed; turning back the covers and sitting up, letting her legs hang off the side of her bed. Slowly she stood up, running her hand through her light hair and sighing once again. Slipping off her pajama shorts, she pulled on a pair of jeans, as well as a t-shirt over her tank top.

She felt almost numb as she drove to Emily’s apartment, hoping Emily was still awake, even thought it was past 2:00 am. She knew she should have called first.

Emily answered the door looking as though she’d been having trouble sleeping too. She wore only a faded Yale sweatshirt and cotton shorts. She seemed a little surprised by JJ being at her door that early in the morning.

“What are you doing here, Jayje?” Emily asked, while pulling her hair back into a ponytail.

“It sounds silly, but I can’t sleep.” JJ replied. “I needed somebody to talk to, and figured you might still be up…”

Emily stepped backward, pulling the door further open. “Of course.”

JJ came inside and sat down on Emily’s couch, pulling her knees up to her chest after slipping off her shoes. Emily sat gently beside her, running her hand up and down JJ’s shoulder. She was patient with the blonde, until she lifted her head and was ready to talk.

“I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Existing feels like a chore.”

Emily listened.

“Will took time off and took Henry with him to Louisiana so now it’s quiet at home. Almost too quiet. I don’t even know what to do when they’re home. Will doesn’t love me anymore. He’ll never admit it, but I know him well enough that it’s true. I love Henry more than anything but sometimes he just feels like such a weight.” JJ found herself telling Emily things she thought would stay bottled up in her head forever. But she knew Emily wouldn’t care, wouldn’t judge whatever came out of her mouth. She felt hot tears threaten to fall from her eyes and tried to fight them but her throat was tight. She tried to talk but the tears were stronger and she choked over her words. JJ’s breaths were uncontrollably heavy and she felt herself start heaving. She ran to the bathroom and Emily followed, not wanting to invade JJ’s privacy but wanting to make sure she was okay.

Nothing came up but JJ coughed and heaved. She stood, facing herself in the mirror. She didn’t want Emily to see her like this. Eyes empty, face hollow. Dead inside. She looked down, away from the reflection of a woman she no longer recognized.

"Will can barely stand to look at me anymore. How can I expect myself to be able to look in the mirror without being revolted? The scars, Emily. They're the only physical reminder of what happened to me, and that's all anyone can ever see. They don't know how hard it is mentally still. They think I’ve recovered. That I’ve healed and that I’m perfectly okay now. But I’m not. And you’re the only one that can understand," JJ explained, her sobs making it hard to gets words out.

"God, JJ, I do know what it's like. I always have. You don't think I was left with my own mental scars after what happened in Boston back in 2011? And the scars… JJ… they're only haunting _you_. No one else can see them."

JJ pulled her shirt up and over her head, setting it down on the bathroom counter and leaving her bare stomach and chest exposed to the brunette. Emily could see them all, the electrical burns scarring up and down her stomach. Emily was silently taking in all of JJ, looking at places she'd never gotten to see before.

"You’re beautiful, Jennifer."

JJ laughed bitterly. "I'm repulsive, and disgusting, and _no one_ could possibly ever love this body, this mind, again. You don't have to say things you only pretend to mean. I shouldn’t have come to see you. Dammit…” She murmured. “God. Sorry, Emily. I’ll leave.” She grabbed her shirt from the counter, but Emily stopped her by gently laying a hand on her wrist. JJ flinched, thought she didn’t want to. No one had touched her like that in a long time. She didn’t know how to react and her body’s natural instinct was to get away.

Emily didn’t seem to notice. "No. Jayje, don’t go. I mean everything I say, JJ. I'd never judge you on something so little as scars." And with that Emily pulled her own shirt off, and JJ gasped softly. Emily had far worse scars than her and it made her feel bad, almost, for insisting on how horrible her own were. There was the crudely etched four-leaf clover above Emily's left breast, as well as the puckered-looking raised skin where she’d been stabbed in the abdomen.

"It gets better," Emily muttered, even though she knew JJ wouldn't listen.

JJ stepped forward, slightly lifting a hand as if she was going to trace the clover with her fingers. Emily didn't care. But instead JJ collapsed into Emily's arms, hard tears running down her cheeks. JJ’s skin was cold against Emily’s own.

"You need rest, JJ. Let's get you to bed. Let me take care of you." Emily murmured in the blonde's ear.

JJ allowed herself to be pulled to the bed by the older woman, and Emily gently slipped off the rest of JJ's clothes, knowing it was too hot outside to sleep in much of anything. Emily removed her own clothes before crawling in next to JJ.

She looked directly at JJ's face, and pushed herself up with her hands so that she was looking directly down at JJ.

"You are loved, Jennifer Jareau. You are loved, and you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

And with that Emily pulled herself down again so that she was laying right next to JJ, pulling the other woman’s lips into a kiss. JJ grabbed on to Emily's arms tightly as if Emily was going to float away, and she needed to stop it from happening. The two had never shared a moment as intimate as this before but JJ found herself craving more. She didn’t want it to end but she knew it would have to. She had a husband, a child, to get back to. She had her own family.

"Scars are nothing more than a map, a story left behind by past experiences." Emily breathed.

JJ pulled Emily back to her lips, giving her soft gentle kisses over and over. The two lay like this for the rest of the night, each getting lost in the company of the other, lost in what had been in the past and what could happen in the future.


End file.
